Hey, They Call Me Connie…

No but seriously… is it?

As I slip out of my caffeine coma into full blown exhaustion, I find my mind waltzing around this question. Pinterest is one of my favorite platforms of all time. I love the ability to organize my moods, thoughts, and ideas into digital vision boards. It’s one of the ways I “recharge” my energy after a long day (sometimes during). Even in the midst of all is glory, there are still elements that shout to me, “you don’t belong here!”

On the quest of creating a lane for myself, I keep running into a common obstacles that, for the life of me, I can’t seem to work around… exhaustion.

I understand being tired. It’s natural and apart of life. However, there are more days than not that I feel completely drained. My mind says “get it done!” My body says, “not taking another step!” Unfortunately, my goals are usually caught in the crossfire.

There are many days that feel great but not enough for me to feel the progress. There is nothing that fuels me more than seeing my own progress. I find myself slipping away in discontent in a life I’m beyond blessed to experience because I’m simply…exhausted.

At the end of my day, I want to focus less on what I’m missing and more on everything I’ve accomplished. In the age of digital chaos, we are only as good as the person we compare ourselves to. For me it’s the “That Girl.”

You know who I’m talking about.

The girl who wakes up at 4 am, does a full eat-pray-self love routine, walks her dog, is allergic to junk food, has six streams of income, impeccable style and abnormally fit, finds time to cook & clean everyday, walks around with a red carpet makeup and hair, and is about as hard to believe as idiotic, grammatically incorrect, run on sentence.

That girl.

Let me be clear, I admire the idea of “that girl.” She makes me shred my excuses and get my a** in gear, on some days. On other days… that girl is a constant reminder that there are expectations I will not be able to live up to because I don’t have the mental energy. Women (from my experience) seem to have a bad habit of placing unfair expectations on things, people, places (insert anything else that may be missed here). When those things fail to meet the unrealistic standards we’ve set in place, we are overwhelmed with disappointment. The sad thing is, we place those expectations on ourselves as well. We greet ourselves with the same disappointment.

Hey Connie. You are supposed to be better. Why are you not better? You know how to be better. You suck as a person for not being better? Don’t you want to be better? Maybe you don’t want better bad enough. You’re right, you will never reach better. Better is only for some people, you aren’t one of those people. It’s ok not to be better. Acceptance is less stressful, be good where you are. Be grateful that you are something at all. Everything is ok. You’re just ok. That all you’ll ever be and it’s ok.

And scene!

I call that the rabbit hole. To be more exact 1800RabitHole.com. Yes, it is a phone number and a website that (as of now) doesn’t exist. That’s how deep I go in galaxy of chaos that resides in my mind…sometimes. Ok, most times.

I get that there are people in the world that would consider this to be a form of depression. It doesn’t feel that way. It feels like the rational by which I use to measure reality. What I feel like I’m learning is that dreams can’t exist in reality. That’s why we dream separately from our waking state (in most instances). In order to reach for the stars, you have to know that you can fly, not just believe it.

Now we are creeping toward the uncomfortable question, how can I recondition my mind to walk the tight rope without looking down? Some would say blind faith. I get that. I’m spiritual but like I said…I’m very much a realist. What makes my plight better than the next woman suffocating under the blanket of nonexistent achievement?

If the answer is nothing, then I’m back at square one. Or, maybe it’s combination of faith and muscle memory. If I practice believing, everyday without ceasing, then I will eventually manifest my success subconsciously. This in turn could ultimately encourage my conscious mind that everything is tangible.

Fake it till you make it?

Beyond tricking myself into seeking out this path to greatness, I want to connect with my niche. I want to discover what makes me, me. I want to experience my dharma. The things in this world not connected to the titles I’ve accrued but the person that make me feel most authentic and at peace.

I would love for this to be a cut and paste process but when it thinking about one’s uniqueness, I think the trip is bound to have a few off road detours.

First detour, figuring out what resonates with me.

What sets my soul on fire…

What ignites me…

What makes me…

At my core… love.

I think this is gonna get deep y’all. I recommend lounge wear and your favorite snacks because I have no idea how this ball is going to break. I’m just hoping it does it break me.