Hey, They Call Me Connie…

When I say we, I really mean me.

It’s precisely 1:44am and I cannot sleep. This would be surprising if I wasn’t already diagnosed with insomnia. The funny thing is, I had a much better handle on my sleep health a few weeks ago. Mainly because I have been attempting to outrun aging by way of supplements, water, blueberries, and any other non-surgical element that will allow me to have toddler adjacent skin.

I digress.

Today…night…or in-between (depending on how you view it)…I am failing at the easiest task in the world…falling asleep.

*Grammar nazis, please do not hold me in-contempt for my overuse of ellipses. I get it grammar is important (to someone I’m sure). However, due to my current grinch-like state, these ellipses are the only thing keeping me from aimlessly knocking my head on the wall due to my frustration. Let me have them…they are mine…and I want to keep them…thank you. Let’s get back to my story, shall we?

Where was I? Ahh yes…failing at falling asleep. In realizing that my actual work day will begin a short time from now, I’ve caught myself thinking about the numerous things I fail to at expressing gratitude for daily.

It’s really sad that we never seem to miss something, until we no longer have access to it. I started this blog to learn more about the woman that I am now. I went into this “hobby,” believing that there we so many elements to myself that we were missing.

Big problem. Or, shall I say wrong perspective.

I’ve been looking at my life…who I am now…”right-side up” when I should have been viewing myself “upside down.” To clarify, I’ve always viewed my new self as someone who lacked because I was so comfortable with who I was. I should have been looking at what I have now in terms of character, interest, personality, and creativity. Grateful for the me that I have grown into.

Let’s put this in perspective…

What I miss versus what I have gained… you ready?

Miss: Ambition

I miss the ambition I had when I was younger. I feel like my hustle was a lot stronger when I wanted to achieved something.

Gain: Discernment

I’ve developed a true sense of discernment and patience when it comes to making big decisions. I used to be much more impulsive and a lot less thoughtful when it came to the parameters by which I measured success. My thinking has become more strategic regarding career, relationships, and other things. I feel much more satisfied with what I choose longterm.

Miss: Emotional Barriers

I was tough. So tough that there weren’t many things that seemed to hurt or impact me in a major way. If someone crossed me, negatively effected me, or simply hurt me I would dismiss it away quickly. It felt like an easier way to survive.

Gain: Vulnerability and Emotional Connection

What can I say other than the walls are down. There are days where this feels less like a gain. However, I think allowing myself to express my emotions (in safe and unsafe environments) have shaped me into a more empathetic person. I connect to people better and understand the humanity in others. I have given myself permission to be soft and find power in that softness. I haven’t fallen in love with that part but…I like it.

Miss: Self-ish Lifestyle

This is probably one of the larger items on my miss list. My life was solely about me and it was easy. For the most part, I could do the majority of what I wanted, when I wanted, with no-one to answer to but myself. If I bought something, it was usually for me. If I wanted to take a trip, I would only need to confer with myself, my timeline, and my budget. If I failed at something, it typically impacted me alone.

Gain: Beautiful Sacrifice

Giving up my selfish lifestyle, I learned not only how to sacrifice but the beauty in it. God has granted me the rare opportunity to fill people’s life with joy, relief, and comfort when they need it most. This has provided me with a sense of purpose beyond myself. My life has more meaning. Thought at time sacrifice can feel exhausting…it’s necessary. Sacrifice feeds humility and growth. Humility is the seed of the soul so…I can dig it.

Miss: Clear Career Path

I had an idea of what I wanted to do. I went to school and paid a butt-load of money to do that thing (resulting in two degrees). Life changes prevented me from being able to do that thing effectively, and now I am trying to figure out what career path will make me feel proud and fulfilled.

Gain: An Adventure

Being the girl that meticulously mapped out her life, never gave me room to grow beyond my own beliefs. If I said I was going left, nothing shy of a miracle would deter me. Being a wife and a mother has shown me, that hardcore plans are merely outlines with little regard for reality. Going off-script has pushed me to explore things out of my comfort zone. I try things now (literally laughing at myself right now). I go with the flow. I stress A LOT less than I once did. I laugh more. I enjoy life in small moments. I’m learning what healthy balance looks like. I may not know exactly where I am meant to be in terms of career but I am truly embracing the journey of discovering that thing.

For everything I think I lack, there is a new semblance of myself that has sprouted in its place. I think growth is looking good on me.